I Want to Know What Love Is

I thought I knew what love was.
I thought I understood what it was
to share
to be with someone
to care
to love and be loved.
I thought I comprehended these basic things
but when I see
the relationship we built
and what I did to you
for so long
I am aghast.
I am ashamed.
I am repentant.

I thought I loved you
but I realize
what a shitty brand of the stuff
I provided.
The ways I berated you
the ways I behaved…
You deserved none of it.
I’m so sorry.

I gave you everything I had to give.
I didn’t realize
how awful that was.
I didn’t see
how the best intentions
could yield such atrocious results.

I should have been better
and you should have left me sooner
and I should be imprisoned
for how I acted
and I guess
in a sense
I am.

I should never have touched you that way.

Someday
I will bend before you
just as I insisted you do
so often.
Someday
I will become good enough
to be worthy of real love.
Someday
I will learn to be the man
who deserves to apologize before you.

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